being generous is good, not when it becomes TOO MUCH.
My weekend has been a bittersweet one. I feel really, really fortunate to have what i have now.(if you can be there, i will be on cloud NINE) i understood how Mummy loves me. i enjoyed the company of my cousins. i felt like im the happiest girl and wished time would just stop there. But at the darkest side of me, i know what it means. All these don't come easy because i know i have to make. some. sacrifices. next weekend. No matter how much i want to deny the fact, i cant. This is how much confidence i have. Its the truth. im not like some typical people that tries to paint a very pathetic picture of themselves when they know they are doing well. This time round, throughout my 13 years of schooling, i feel really lousy deep down. Never have i been like that before. i've never dream about results because im never this worried before, but i dreamt of it few days ago. im really uneasy and of all feelings, frightened of the outcome. It feels as if i accidentally slipped and fall into a deep well where there are no hinges or gaps at the side of the inner walls. There's nothing to grab onto so im desperately scratching and clinging onto the sides with my nails as tightly as i could, so that i dont drown. i can feel the pain and im trying very hard to minimise the pain by enjoying my everyday till 6 march, being the most unfortunate day of the year. ( WHY OF ALL DAYS, CANT I HAVE MY PEACE)
" Dont worry, you can surely make it."
"You are smart, Huey."
i do appreciate all these kind words but they made me fear most. When there's more hope and expectation, comes greater the downfall.
What im doing now is called cushioning the fall technique:
I had an abundle of fun at work today coz the interns came and the atmosphere got livelier. Its funny to see how they learn, mirroring how i was like a month ago. They were a lucky bunch coz they've got lunch treat and each other's company while my first day was so alone. i came independently and faced everything myself. i enjoyed being cracked up by silly Annalyn, Amy's occasion craziness, Maxim's concern and most of all Vendana. She's my knocking-off-at-6pm-sharp partner and going-home-together company. Very much like an elder sister to me and taken care of. She told me how fortunate the interns are unlike my first day where i've got to buy food myself. Then she added, but now you've got all of us and me to go home with you. That touches my heart. AWW.
The best thing is, Claudia, our German girl shared the same birthday as me! omg we exclaimed excitedly when we realised it today! haha so much fun :D She went like " Everybody.." getting everyone's attention. They intended to celebrate after work on Friday i guess but i had to take leave that day for the worst reason. im so gonna miss out all the fun :( i still dont have fixed plans yet on Friday coz no one has told me anything. That reminded me how Jermaine, Fiona and Theresa who stayed by my side 3 years ago after results day..
No matter what, i'll be strong. i promise.
My weekend has been a bittersweet one. I feel really, really fortunate to have what i have now.(if you can be there, i will be on cloud NINE) i understood how Mummy loves me. i enjoyed the company of my cousins. i felt like im the happiest girl and wished time would just stop there. But at the darkest side of me, i know what it means. All these don't come easy because i know i have to make. some. sacrifices. next weekend. No matter how much i want to deny the fact, i cant. This is how much confidence i have. Its the truth. im not like some typical people that tries to paint a very pathetic picture of themselves when they know they are doing well. This time round, throughout my 13 years of schooling, i feel really lousy deep down. Never have i been like that before. i've never dream about results because im never this worried before, but i dreamt of it few days ago. im really uneasy and of all feelings, frightened of the outcome. It feels as if i accidentally slipped and fall into a deep well where there are no hinges or gaps at the side of the inner walls. There's nothing to grab onto so im desperately scratching and clinging onto the sides with my nails as tightly as i could, so that i dont drown. i can feel the pain and im trying very hard to minimise the pain by enjoying my everyday till 6 march, being the most unfortunate day of the year. ( WHY OF ALL DAYS, CANT I HAVE MY PEACE)
" Dont worry, you can surely make it."
"You are smart, Huey."
i do appreciate all these kind words but they made me fear most. When there's more hope and expectation, comes greater the downfall.
What im doing now is called cushioning the fall technique:
I had an abundle of fun at work today coz the interns came and the atmosphere got livelier. Its funny to see how they learn, mirroring how i was like a month ago. They were a lucky bunch coz they've got lunch treat and each other's company while my first day was so alone. i came independently and faced everything myself. i enjoyed being cracked up by silly Annalyn, Amy's occasion craziness, Maxim's concern and most of all Vendana. She's my knocking-off-at-6pm-sharp partner and going-home-together company. Very much like an elder sister to me and taken care of. She told me how fortunate the interns are unlike my first day where i've got to buy food myself. Then she added, but now you've got all of us and me to go home with you. That touches my heart. AWW.
The best thing is, Claudia, our German girl shared the same birthday as me! omg we exclaimed excitedly when we realised it today! haha so much fun :D She went like " Everybody.." getting everyone's attention. They intended to celebrate after work on Friday i guess but i had to take leave that day for the worst reason. im so gonna miss out all the fun :( i still dont have fixed plans yet on Friday coz no one has told me anything. That reminded me how Jermaine, Fiona and Theresa who stayed by my side 3 years ago after results day..
No matter what, i'll be strong. i promise.
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